Sports

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You couldn’t buy a single green Dot 
​ in the outhouse

It was back when rocks were soft and coffee came in only one size—a cup. 

The old house creaked and groaned in the cold weather. The house exists only in my memory. It fell to age. 

Leonard Cohen wrote and sang in “Anthem,” “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

It’s hard to argue with that, but our old house had enough cracks that when the wind blew, it gained speed as it went through the house. We didn’t have enough motivational posters to cover all the cracks.

Bats lived in the attic in warm weather and mice held conventions in the cellar in cold weather. I slept upstairs where the floor protested loudly with each step I made. I roosted above the kitchen and enjoyed the smell of breakfast. Bacon was a deluxe perfume. 

It was a warm and welcoming cold house. There was no insulation. The inside of the windows collected enough frost I could have shoveled it. The shower gathered water from a rusty pipe and its showerhead offered two temperatures—frigid and Antarctic. That was warm when compared to using the outhouse in January, a true test of one’s intestinal fortitude. I’d have enjoyed complaining about that, but it wasn’t in me.

A family-made quilt kept me warm. Its makers had put whatever was handy into the quilt—rocks, dead chickens and electric bills. It had enough heft that I required a truck jack to get out from under it in the morning.

Having a new house didn’t set my brain on fire. I don’t remember wishing for a better house like one owned by a $ 100,000aire. I didn’t believe there were millionaires. Our house was my house. I didn’t want more from it. I had no legitimate complaints. The old house was my home and plenty good enough for the likes of me. Every bird likes his own nest best.

There was a wooden box of gloves in the mudroom, which was the only entry into the home. The gloves were survivors of hard work. My parents worked, that’s what they did. The survivors were all for the left hand. In a family of right-handers, we wore out the right-handed gloves, leaving left-handed coverings too good to throw away. Mom painted relentlessly. Where there’s a wall, there’s a way. There were stir sticks with paint on them stashed here and there. If a stick didn’t get out of the way, it went to work stirring paint.

I spent my time doing nothing about something and something about nothing.

We had a snow globe, even though we lived in a larger, windier version of a snow globe. It was called Minnesota. The globe presented winter’s mythical soft landing. Any shiver found by someone holding a snow globe in a cold house could shake it, but I don’t remember shaking the globe much in the winter. There was no need.

I saw an electric one in a store. It shook itself. My father would have grumbled about someone being lazy if they needed a snow globe that shook itself like a wet dog.

I liked movies. I remember purchasing a box of Dots in a theater, when a friend asked to try one of the sticky, gummy candies. He wanted one, so I gave him one, a green Dot. He put it into his mouth, said it tasted like a green plastic toy army man, spit it into his hand and flung it toward the screen, where it hit and stuck. I was sure we were going to be asked to leave. Some moviegoers laughed and others were appalled. It slid slowly down the scenes on a screen before falling to the floor. There was polite applause. 

In the opening scene of the movie “Citizen Kane,” a snow globe, featuring a peaceful scene with a house, falls from the protagonist Charles Kane’s dying hand and shatters on the floor near his deathbed.

“Rosebud” was the last word spoken by Kane. Rosebud was the name of Kane’s beloved sled from his childhood.

If I’d played Kane, dropping a snow globe and uttering my last words, they would have been “Green Dot” or “I wish the outhouse had been indoors.”

​©️Al Batt 2023

1. What University of Illinois Fighting Illini football star scored a kickoff return touchdown, four rushing touchdowns and threw a touchdown pass in a 1924 game vs. the Michigan Wolverines?

2. Who compiled a 15-17 record as head coach of the Miami Dolphins from 2005-06?

3. The Mean Green is the nickname of what Conference USA school’s athletic programs?

4. What baseball executive resigned from the Boston Red Sox on Halloween in 2005 and left Fenway Park wearing a gorilla suit to avoid reporters?

5. Name the filmmaker who directed the 2016 comedy “Everybody Wants Some!!”, which was inspired by his time playing baseball for the Sam Houston State Bearkats in the early 1980s.

6. In the 1951 “Shot Heard ‘Round the World” National League playoff game, the New York Giants’ Bobby Thomson hit a walk-off home run against what Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher?

​7. What university became the 11th member of the Big Ten Conference in 1990?

1. Red Grange.

2. Nick Saban.

3. The University of North Texas.

4. Theo Epstein.

5. Richard Linklater.

6. Ralph Branca.

​7. Penn State University.

© 2023 King Features Synd., Inc.

It would be hard to imagine the Iowa men and women’s basketball teams playing any better than they are at the moment, but the season is long and we’re just halfway through the schedule. 

The 12th ranked Hawkeye women tied the school record for most points in a Big Ten game in beating Penn State Saturday, 108-67. Five Hawks registered double figures in points with All-American Caitlin Clark leading the way with 27. Iowa won its 14th game and is 6-1 in the conference, with a battle at Michigan State up next.

The men shot 60% Sunday in an impressive victory over the Maryland Terrapins, their 4th win in a row. Iowa is 4-3, good enough for 5th place in the league. Tony Perkins career high 22 points led four Hawkeyes in double figures. Kris Murray knocked down 19, while Payton Sandfort and Connor McCaffery had 12 each. The Hawks are 12-6 overall.

Iowa football saw its 11th player elected to the College Football Hall of Fame. Robert Gallery, an All-American offensive tackle from 2000-03, is from nearby Winthrop and East Buchanan high school. In 2002, the Hawkeyes were 11-2 overall and Big Ten Champions with an 8-0 record. That team averaged 37 points a game with Heisman Trophy runner-up, Brad Banks at quarterback. 

Gallery’s name and number will now be displayed on the face of the Kinnick stadium press box, next to the ten other Hawks that are enshrined. Those include Nile Kinnick, Chuck Long, Randy Duncan, Alex Karras, Duke Slater, Calvin Jones, Larry Station, Aubrey Devine, Gordon Locke and Andre Tippett,

Robert Gallery played eight seasons in the NFL with the Oakland Raiders and Seattle Seahawks. Congratulations, Hall of Famer!

​Tight end Dallas Clark was on the ballot, but did not garner the percentage of votes needed for entry. You have to believe Dallas Clark’s “day in the sun” is coming. Go Hawks.

The Squirrel, My Grandmother, and Me

I was maybe about five when this took place. Grandpa remembers what happened just barely, so it had to be at a very early age. It is very common to see a lot of squirrels scampering on Alverno’s scenic grounds and they suddenly brought to mind this memory. It’s about a squirrel, your great, great grandmother and me.

Grandpa’s backyard had two walnut trees. Every August, when the nuts fell (or were shaken) from these trees, your great grandpa would peal away the outside green shells and lay out these walnuts to dry in his shop. Each fall I remember seeing my dad’s hands darkly stained from shelling walnuts. In late summer there would always be a few walnuts on the ground my dad had missed and they attracted squirrels. Maury, these squirrels would pick up the walnuts with their jaws, run away real fast and bury them in a garden, or other hiding place, for their food supply during the coming winter!

One day my grandma was sitting on our back porch swing while I was playing in our back yard when both of us noticed a squirrel moving slowly in my direction. His objective was a walnut about ten feet from me but he was very cautious. I can still remember my grandma placing her finger over her mouth as a signal to be very quiet and not to move. After several minutes, during which he continually watched me while edging closer, he suddenly grabbed the nut and took off! Seeing this, I must have wanted to know if a squirrel would take a nut from my hand because I remember my grandma sitting on the porch swing while she had me sit on the lawn every day for about a week. Each day we’d place a walnut on the lawn for this squirrel, and each day we also shortened the distance between the nut and me. As soon as he’d appear we both were silent and didn’t move. Each day he’d cautiously go for the walnut while always watching me. It seemed, Maury, his confidence and faith in us grew daily.

Then, a day after this squirrel had taken a nut less than a yard from me, my grandma had me hold a nut in my hand. And sure enough we again saw “our friend!” I remember holding the walnut in my outstretched hand as he watched me all the time. He, again, approached very slowly, more cautious than ever. He’d take a few steps, then stop. He’d do this over and over, all the while staring at me until he finally got the courage to come so close that I could touch him. Then, I remember holding the walnut with the edge of my fingers when he suddenly jumped, grabbed it “cleanly” with his mouth and was off!

​Maury, hope you enjoyed this. Much love, Grandpa.

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