Sports

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Noses are red, fingers are blue.
​I like winter, how about you?

The wind blew another partridge out of a pear tree.

Winter has trouble doing the right thing.

It’s not the snow that gets you when you live in a snow globe. It’s the shaking like a chilly Chihuahua that happens before the snow falls.

My wife and I gathered around the light bulb for warmth and read about global warming on a night as cold as a cast iron commode with wind gusts up to the speed of light. Winter has a license to chill.

Minnesotans might deny it, but most of them have wondered, “Why did they have to put Minnesota here?”

It’s winter when snow becomes the new normal, and out-of-state visitors wear so much clothing that they look as if they’re about to turn into butterflies.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. What will the weather be after the fall? We get winter every year, and it’s not subject to calendar restraints. Some winters have more teeth than others, and the number of winters we get varies each year.

Of all the 87 counties in Minnesota, I live in one of them. Each year, I put up a “Snow free to a good home” sign. It’s usually replaced by a “Snow free to any home” billboard.

As a young fellow, I drove rust buckets. Each would have been a splendid car if I’d been an 11-year-old boy who loved to have any vehicle. The cars were old, and often the tires were older than the car. Lacking money but still wanting to drive, I traveled on bald tires. I don’t recommend that. Now I pretend I’m driving on those bald tires when inclement weather catches me on the road. It slows me and causes me to drive cautiously.

Blizzards of my youth provide remarkable memories. I was a young Shackleton, rolling snow into balls like I was a large dung beetle wearing a parka. I was closer to the snow then. I’ve grown taller and moved away from the snow. Waist-deep snow with drifts as hard as marble didn’t mean there would be no school. I’d learned in school that settlers had flocked from all over the country when cold was discovered in Minnesota. It was the biggest cold strike since one in western Wisconsin. It was called the Cold Rush, and many people became rich by selling long underwear and wool socks. Carpetbags carried more wool than a sheep ranch. Blanket sales boomed when the new Minnesotans learned the windchill factor meant that 5 degrees below zero required 6 inches of blankets. 

Winter wasn’t good at hiding and usually arrived in the middle of a school bus ride. As long as the school building remained visible through the snow, school was never canceled. The unfairness of snow day policies led to a pile of petty grievances that kept the school’s counselor busy.

Minnesota nice might be a real thing, but Minnesota ice is definitely a real thing. Please don’t fall for ice; it’s a scam. Ice should come in colors. A fellow I know slipped on the ice and banged his knee. He put ice on it. The curious combination of cause and cure led him to search for a cure for winter in the Lower Rio Grande Valley. He has become a card-carrying Winter Texan who calls home to hear the sounds of a snowplow. It’s not just him. Others have determined that it’s worth pulling up stakes and moving south to keep from being swept away by a roving glacier. They cower in warmer temperatures until the chance of being up to their ears in the snow back home has lessened. John Steinbeck tried to reason with them by writing, “What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness,” but to no avail.

I’m tethered to the homeplace in winter, with only brief excursions away. My Fitbit should give me extra steps for walking uphill both ways through the deep snow.

Mittens offer warmth in the cold. If you like gloves better than mittens, well, I’m not one to point fingers. Spring will ride in like the cavalry after enough winter gloves and mittens have been lost. By then, winter will need a vacation.

​©️Al Batt 2024

1. What businessman is the founder, chairman and CEO of Monumental Sports & Entertainment, which owns the NBA’s Washington Wizards, the NHL’s Washington Capitals and the WNBA’s
Washington Mystics?

2. The Cyclone Taylor Trophy is awarded annually to the MVP of which NHL hockey team?

3. Name the Las Vegas Aces player who tied Liz Cambage’s single-game WNBA scoring record with a 53-point performance in August 2023.

4. Pro softball pitcher, LPGA Tour golfer and U.S. Women’s National Basketball Team player Joan Joyce coached softball (1995-2022) and women’s golf (1996-2014) for what college team?

5. Name the Los Angeles Dodgers first baseman who hit the first walk-off grand slam home run in World Series history.

6. Ed Anzalone, better known as “Fireman Ed,” is a superfan famous for leading cheers at what NFL team’s home games?

​7. During a 2015 Indianapolis 500 practice session, what driver was critically injured in a crash when a piece of his car’s suspension impaled his left thigh? 

1. Ted Leonsis.

2. The Vancouver Canucks.

3. A’ja Wilson.

4. The Florida Atlantic Owls.

5. Freddie Freeman, in 2024 World Series Game 1.

6. The New York Jets.

​7. James Hinchcliffe.

© 2025 King Features Synd., Inc.

A Ride in a Police Squad Car

Maury, do you recall Memory #16, when Grandpa was about twelve or thirteen, and described how we “celebrated” Halloween early? I told you about the minister who chased us after we “surrounded” his house! A recent conversation with a friend, plus recalling our Halloween activities, brought this memory to mind. What happened, Maury, was humorous and a simple lesson in psychology. Of course, Grandpa immediately thought of you!

It happened when Grandpa was about the same age but during summer vacation. The “gang” in our neighborhood, (for a short time, thankfully, until we “grew up”!) was a “nuisance and irritation” to adults in general. We did nothing to harm anyone or their property but did some foolish things which aren’t important to relate. Our behavior, however, caused an interesting result! Maury, this is what happened:

At that time it was common for us to meet on a certain neighborhood corner. Early one summer night, a police squad car on routine patrol duty stopped by. The officer, getting out of his squad car, greeted us in a very friendly manner. He stated that he stopped to “ask if we’d do him a favor.”

He proceeded to tell us that the department received complaints about kids “being a nuisance” in this neighborhood and that if we could be of any help the department would really appreciate it. All the while he knew (and we knew that he knew) he was talking about us!!

He said that if we “talked” to these kids maybe we could urge “them” to stop. Besides making the neighbors happy he further stated that if we were successful the department would show its appreciation. He offered to give us rides, for example, if we were going downtown, etc. He said just put up your hand when you see me cruising by and I’ll stop anytime for you!

Well, Maury, after he’d gone we all decided immediately to “stop the nonsense” and take him up on his offer. In fact, we went out of our way to watch for him so we could “put on a show” for the same adults we had harassed who every summer evening sat out on their front porches! We were “rewarded” a few nights later when we saw his patrol car cruise down our street. When we raised our hands he stopped, as promised, and we asked for a ride downtown. He took us there and then we immediately walked back home - all to put on act for the neighbors!

As Grandpa looks back on this, Maury, one could explain our actions in many ways...one that comes to mind – if you’re kind! – might be, “creative!!”

​Much love, Grandpa.

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