Sports

Outgrabe, Irish wristwatch, headbutting while texting
​& pilfering gulls

I tried to say, “Irish wristwatch” three times quickly.

I failed.

I wanted to be pulled home in a Radio Flyer little red wagon.

I called Uber. They wouldn’t do it.

It had been a hectic day. On my way home, I needed to stop at a grocery store because I had a list. The store was busy. I grabbed a cart. A shopping cart is a fitness coach—a physical fitness coach, not a fiscal fitness coach. I had a slender list — if I were buying for an Army battalion. It was an extensive list, which required a big cart with 4-wheel drive, not one of those puny little carts or a basket. Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree long ago. I’m shopping because someone built a cart long ago. Shopping is a superhuman effort for me, involving weeping and gnashing of teeth. I began to outgrabe—to emit strange noises, a whistling mutter and moan. Lewis Carroll coined outgrabe in his poem “Jabberwocky.” I hoped my shopping expedition wouldn’t last as long as the War of Jenkins’ Ear. If it did, I’d suffer jet lag. I went down the aisle where what I wanted used to be. They had moved it to another aisle. When that happens, the store becomes the 21st Century’s version of the Wild West. 

I shuffled to the bread aisle and studied the options. My mind sometimes travels while my feet remain in place. I saw a guy who was morosely moving his shopping cart through the store. He reminded me of a man I saw in one of the L-towns of Kentucky. It was Lexington or Louisville. I’d had a restless night in a tall hotel. I typically walk the stairs, but I was on the top floor and I needed to put a hurry into my giddyup, so I boarded an elevator. There were two of us on that contraption. I was one of them. The other was a fellow with both thumbs blazing away on his cellphone until the craunching elevator’s door opened to the lobby. Mister Two Thumbs Texting walked out and kept going straight, right into the far wall. We don’t need to travel to outer space to find strange lifeforms. “What a meathead,” I thought, but I didn’t say that. I was envious of his ability to employ his thumbs in that manner. I’m sure he wasn’t a meathead, but he did a great impersonation. He appeared uninjured, straightened his glasses and moved on. Perhaps he was used to such collisions. He’d gotten his daily minimum requirement of walking face-first into a wall before breakfast was served.

I knew I shouldn’t have slammed down a couple of iced teas before I went shopping as it caused impulse buying, but I did. I’ll buy anything just to use a store’s restroom when nature calls and puts me on speed dial. 

That’s what happened. I parked my cart in a quiet aisle, so I could use the store’s necessary. I walked to the comfort station while thinking of gulls. In Massachusetts, a gull took a man's wallet from the top of a pizza box. A bucket truck retrieved the wallet from a nearby rooftop and returned it to the man. Also, in Massachusetts, another gull stole a wallet from a man’s shopping cart at a Stop & Shop. There was a cash reward for the return of the victim’s billfold. I imagined a gull using the purloined credit cards to buy a humongous, supreme deluxe meat-lover’s pizza.

When I’d emerged unscathed from the lavatory, I noticed someone had taken the opportunity to place a package of beef jerky in my cart. At least, that’s what I’d tell my wife. That misdeed paled in comparison with the time I’d ordered her something nice for her birthday. It was the perfect gift, but the mail-order company sent her that softball glove I wanted instead.

Maybe I could find someone to toss a ZERO candy bar into my cart. Creamy caramel, crunchy peanuts and tasty almond nougat, all covered in white fudge. It’s one of her favorites.

If I can’t find one, I’ll tell her a gull swiped it and flew it back to Massachusetts.

​©Al Batt 2024
1. What NASCAR driver, winner of the 1969 Daytona 500, was admitted to a mental institution after he attempted to kill his mother in 1980?

2. Pioneering astronaut Sally K. Ride was a nationally ranked player for Stanford University in what sport?

3. Baseball Hall of Famer Jake Beckley, who played from 1888-1907, played a Major League Baseball record 2,368 games at what position? 

4. Poland’s Sebastian Kawa has the most world championships (17 as of July 2024) in what
air sport?

5. What national soccer team was banned from qualifying for the 1994 FIFA World Cup after a 1989 incident in which goalkeeper Roberto Rojas intentionally cut himself and claimed he was attacked by Brazil’s fans?

6. Nate McMillan played his entire NBA career from 1986-1998 with what team?

​7. From 1976-2012, the annual award presented to Major League Baseball’s best relief pitcher was sponsored by what antacid brand?
1. LeeRoy Yarbrough.

2. Tennis.

3. First base.

4. Gliding.

5. Chile.

6. The Seattle SuperSonics.

7. Rolaids (“R-O-L-A-I-D-S spells relief”).
© 2024 King Features Synd., Inc.

When Grandpa Almost Bought a Bull

Maury, because you are a very bright fourth grader, Grandpa figures you’ll really appreciate a funny incident that happened to me about thirty years ago. I was in Maquoketa, Iowa trying to set up an appointment with Lee Bowman, who operated an auction and livestock sale business there. During a previous meeting he had advised me to check with his secretary the next time I was in town to learn where he’d be. I did so and she informed me he was at his sale barn.

Well, Maury, here’s where my bizarre adventure began but I didn’t know it yet!! (Before telling you what happened next, have Mom and Dad explain what takes place at an auction - how the auctioneer talks real fast asking for bids, telling what the bid is and how a bidder raises his hand to make a bid, etc.

To this day, Maury, I don’t know if I went through the wrong door, but as I entered the sale barn I immediately found myself in a balcony occupied by local farmers bidding on the cows, bulls, etc. up for auction in an arena below, but I didn’t know this! At the same moment (dressed as usual, wearing a coat and tie in the middle of all these farmers!) I immediately started looking for Lee Bowman. Suddenly, I spotted him, next to the auctioneer who at that moment was getting bids on a Bull. At that same instant Lee saw me, nodding his head, slightly, in recognition. I, reflexively, waved back to him when the auctioneer said “Sold” (with a perplexed look on his face!)

Every farmer in the building was staring at me when Lee Bowman, laughingly and judiciously, “explained” to everyone present that I was the cause of an “innocent mistake” and saved me from inadvertently buying a Bull I was told later sold for $700.

Maury, this was the first and last livestock auction that Grandpa ever attended!!

​Much love, Grandpa

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